HCK Guest Op-Ed:
“I Hate Kit Fisto More Than Any of You Tiny Hand Earth Pieces of Shit.”
By Fisto. YES THAT FISTO
Oooh come on in a little closer so ya can hear me people! Do I got yer attenshin? I HOPE SO CUZ IM GONNA LAY SOME HEAVY STEAMING SHIT ON YA AN IT AINT GONNA BE PRITTY! But I’m gonna keep this oh so short, and oh so sweet.
Maybe you seen that movie Attack of the Clones with all the different Jedis you never heard of, most looking real stupid? In that part when the purple sword Jedi jumps into the arena and then like, a hundred of these others do too and fight some SORRY, SISSY, PRISSY, CHINTZY looking monsters, the meanest of which Battle Cat could eat for breakfast and shit out within 45 minutes? MEMBER THAT SCENE YOU TEENY EARTH PEOPLE?
Well maybe you recall one of these dingleberries with a fish kinda look who waves and smiles at tha audience like a chump? YES YOU DO CUZ IT’S THIS SORRY, SISSY, SILLY, FRILLY KIT “FISTO” and everyone is like ‘What a hero!” But consider this: WHY IS HE CALLED FISTO WHEN HE ONLY SHOWS A OPEN HAND AND IT AINT EVEN OVERSIZED OR METALLIC?
Let’s change scenery here for just a second. Maybe you heard of ETERNIA the planet? Volcanos and wastelands and battlescapes? Oh yeah THAT PLANET. Did you know besides He Man and Battle Cat and Skeletor and Buzz Off there is a warrior with A HUGE, GIANT, DEFIANT, NON-COMPLIANT METAL EFFING, CLOSED, F I S T ? ? ?
That’s me, FISTO.
Feels good, right?
Except Millennials got this wack a jack, bug eye, jedi runnin around with a name got NOTHIN TO DO WITH HIM.
Fer years and years I was the only Fisto. Heroic hand to hand fighter. Called Fisto FOR A REASON. But in recent years they started calling me “Mattel Fisto.” for “copyright reasons.” WHICH IS STRIDOR SHIT.
So when yer comfortable sofa ass dvd watching ass is sitting on a chat room talking to friends about Kit Fisto is a lame piece of shit, wah, my life is so hard, juss ramember AT LEAST HE DIDNT STEAL YOUR RIGHTFUL NAME YOU TINY HAND PIECE OF EARTH DUNG DONUT!
Also go see The Last Jedi in theaters December 15, because it will not be him in it!
Thanks for this opportunity to talk to you.