Slow Crap – The Genius of Gwen Stefani
Gwen Stefani knows that we are all singing “Crap” instead of “Clap” in her new song, “Slow Clap” and that’s exactly her intention.
You see, “Slow Clap” is actually about taking your time when you’re sitting on the toilet. Whether it’s scanning and uploading your latest pics to Insta or watching the TiksToks, we expect instant gratification from everything, including our poops. For the sake of your health and those around you, you need to slow down and Gwen Stefani knows it. Could she just come right out and say that? Oh heck no! She’d be laughed out of the room! And NOBODY laughs at Gwen Stefani.
So what’s “just a girl” to do when she feels strongly about toilet tranquility and deliberate defication? Gwen Stefani ain’t no fool! She knows DAMN WELL we are all immature sheep and we’re gonna work poop into any easy viral hit we can. So our devious diva makes a song that sounds like a poop word and lets the rest of us do her “filthy business” for her. Now every kid on the playground is singing…
Side stepping people down the hall
Slow CRAP!
Winter, Spring or Summer or the Fall
Slow CRAP!
…Just like she planned.
I mean take a look at these lyrics, organized by their corresponding poop qualities:
Size and/or Color
“I’ll be David, you Goliath”
“You be purple, I’m the violet”
Noise
“You be angry, I’ll be quiet”
“Let me hear you get loud like surround sound”
“Been the champion, rang the bell”
Toilet Euphemisms
“Take a ride ’cause I’m the co-pilot”
“Be the captain, I’ll be the pirate”
“I’m throwin’ a Hail Mary to no one else”
Diet
“I’m the ice cream, you just the diet”
“Puttin’ on a little extra sauce, slow clap”
Hard Cheap Knock has it on good authority that Stefani already has a multi-million dollar deal with Charmin lined up, so who’s laughing now, haters?
Don’t ask us how we know, but she is also in talks with the US’s leading sleep apnea device manufacturer. Soon, we’ll all be pooping, AND sleeping, much better, thanks to this lyrical genius and her sneaky plot. Well played, Gwen Stefani. Well played.
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Electric John Spot flickr photo by swanksalot shared under a Creative Commons (BY-NC-SA) license
