What follows is a guest post from a loose colleague of ours. He’s been bugging me forever to post on the site… Hell, he begged to be in the 7th print issue, but we wouldn’t let him.
We don’t take guest posts, as a rule, but I kind of owe this individual a favor. If you’ve read my autobiography, From Wah-Peesh to “Wha Happen?”, you probably have already guessed who I’m referring to. He knows some stuff.
On some level, this is long overdue. On another, well, I’m sorry.
My name is Jonny Assdirt and let’s just say I know where the bodies are buried. Or at least where the people were pushed into open graves, just to scare them. These Knockers… these guys are great. This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me, FOR SURE.
If you’re like me, and I’m sure you’re not, but you’re still probably pretty sick of these HCK pantywaists delivering bland, uninteresting art in the interest of being “edgy”. So safe. So milquetoast. No wonder the readership barely extends beyond these dicks’ co-workers and their brothers.
What this site needs is some hardcore hanky-panky. There hasn’t been any straight-up pornography on this site since the “Lord Langford Porn Pic” in issue #1. Sadly, all these limp-wristed whiners seem to like to post about is fake advertising, so I figured I’d combine the two.
On many levels, the state of marketing in the world today owes a tremendous debt to the world of pornography. Pornography drives tech. The porn industry figured out online advertising well before “Punch The Monkey and WIN!” was even a thing. It’s because of porn that VHS won over Betamax. Are you paying attention?
If you think you can handle it, Jonny Assdirt presents, “XXX Scenes Featuring Beloved Spokes-Characters”. I hope you are not on your work computer, you knob!
First up, remember when the money you’d save by switching to a specific insurance company was sitting on a table nearby, taunting you? Me too. I saw those commercials and thought, “Oh yeah, the only thing hotter than a fat stack of money is BEING WATCHED BY A FAT STACK OF MONEY!”
You know what though? Money isn’t always content to just watch…
Remember that scene in Breaking Bad where those two thugs felt compelled to lay on top of the pallet of money in the storage unit? They couldn’t help themselves because money is f-ing sexy! But you only see them from the chest up. You know why?
I’m making it all happen for you perverts, aren’t I? Is it getting hot in here?
Mascot Hand Job
Let me paint a picture for you of two commercial mascots who just couldn’t keep their fingers off each other. These two don’t want your high-fives. They want to help you make dinner – AND help you GET OFF! Heh. No glove, no love, baby! Blergggghhhhhh…
Hands. Hands are where it all happens, right? Where would you be without your own hand, with its incessant fumblings and self-probings? Ten dirty fingers with The Devil’s Agenda driving them to the dark places in your pants. Geez it’s a heatwave in here.
When we were in college, living in the dorms, one of our neighbors had such a masturbation problem, he turned to prayer. He prayed to his god to help him resist his own self-manipulation. A week later, he was in a car accident which resulted in the loss of the use of his hands for an inconvenient amount of time. He saw it as a sign. The “answer to his prayers”.
That guy also had one hell of a pornstache, but that is not important.
Okay, are the kids in bed? The blinds are closed? Good! This next one is a brain-melter!
I’m about to show you what two mascot ladies can do… together. In the process, Ol’ Assdirt is injecting some much-needed diversity into the limp site.
That’s right, you jerks, feast your eyes on this bit of girl-on-girl ACTION! Who turned up the thermostat?
You think it’s any coincidence that you are inclined to reach for Glossy Syrup Lady when you need a sugary fix? It’s very intentional. She’s got what you need. And look, she brought her Native American Phallus-Shaped Corn Goddess friend.
“I didn’t order a stack of pancakes… But come on in, ladies!”
That’s right, cornstarch pancakes never looked so good! Did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?!?
Petroleum and Grain: Tigers In The Bedroom
I know what you’re thinking… “Hey, Assdirt, you’re still playing it pretty tame here. Where’s the really perverted stuff? Where the edge?” Well, dork, There’s nothing tame about TIGERS!
Besides pornography, there are two other very powerful and sexy industries that get an easy pass – corn and oil. Let’s put those two tigers into bed together and see what happens!
Bet you didn’t wake up today wondering if you’d be privy to some hardcore yiffing.
They’re pretty good together, these two. Heck, I’ll say it… THEY’RE GREAT! Someone crack a window!
I’m not going to lie to you little leaguers – I have a dark side. Human Centipede is one of my favorite movies. But also, I have a sweet side. I love to watch that move with sugary breakfast cereal.
What if I combined the two and really pissed in your Cheerios?!?
Why combine Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Human Centipede? I would think that would be obvious. Both rot certain parts of the human body (brain or tooth). Both are exemplary for their lack of value to society. Both are prominently featured in top ten lists of the worst of their respective industries.
To demonstrate this, I took this quote from thescienceofeating.com and replaced “sugar” with “gore” and other relevant measures.
“Human Centipede has some of the highest gore content among films on the market. A serving size of a mere 30 minutes yields 10 minutes of gore. That’s almost half of the daily recommended amount for children, who are the most common consumers of this film. Beginning the day with a viewing of Human Centipede can cause spikes in blood sugar and lead to hyperactivity and decreased attention span. Long-term effects of high-gore diets include tooth decay, obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure.”
Then I did the opposite using this quote from The Huffington Post:
“For most of us, it’s hard to get passed [sic] the fact that somebody’s lips — perhaps our own — would be sewn to another person’s botty [sic] and yet, this extrapolation of what many would regard a remarkably unpleasant permanent state of affairs is predicated on the basis that we have lived lives which do not require such inconvenience. The unpleasantness of the situation is further confirmed when realizing that the mechanism also requires passing sugar via this channel and subsequently through one’s own digestive system, from one link to the next. Indeed, our inquiry needs to be informed by considering not just the functional, but the symbolic importance of both the mouth and the anus in human lives.”
WHAT?!? What did I just do there?!? Good luck trying to “unsee” THAT the next time you are in the breakfast food aisle.
Well, kids. This has been fun. As I said, you haven’t heard the last from me. Until next time, the name is Dirt. Assdirt. Your world will never be the same.
And just like the guy who farts in the elevator and then gets off on the second floor., this post has fulfilled our obligation to Jonny Assdirt.
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