Oh shit! The last Star Wars movie to be ever made trailer has dropped at the Star Wars Celebration in our lovely city of Chicago!
And the speculation has begun on what the title means. Well I’ve thought long and hard for the last 10 hours which reminds me I needed to be somewhere 6 hours ago. Well I’ll just split in a clean 50 seconds then to make up for it. Anyways the title is The Rise of Skywalker! In a weird way it’s pretty obvious what it is about. Oh there are thoughts already that it means it is a new type of jedi slang. Like man that dude really skywalkered it hard. Or it is a new type of group based on the accomplishments of the Skywalker family. Like a bed and breakfast or fancy Skywalker granola that is selling like gangbusters. But I think that’s garbage. It’s far too long a word (unless they use a very condensed font) to be branded on robes and coffee cups. Oooh I’m sorry PC police, I meant coffee and tea cups. What a world we live in right?
Anyways back to the most obvious answer and probably the best answer in the world. The Rise of Skywalker is not about slangs or thick poly cotton robed people or even about Luke or Anakin as one would think. I’m going literal here folks. Remember how the force comes from the mother’s side just like baldness? And who’s the first Skywalker in these here parts? So yes of course I’m speaking of Shmi “don’t call me Shmoo” Skywalker! Annie’s Mamma from another (insert word that rhymes and make sense here).
She’s the one that started this crazy trip with her magical vagina! She is back and no longer a slave! Or married to Cliegg Lars – side note: I never felt they were a good match. Oh and you thought she was killed at the hands of the Tusken Raiders in EP2? Poser alert. She was pretending she was asleep as she was not in the mood for Anakin’s whine brigade at that moment. AND I DON’T BLAME HER. She is still the virgin mom we love and she’s back to let you know she can really shake em down. Cue The Contours Do You Love Me.
Also since you were talking about Star Wars I was surprised to hear they decided to go the easy route and use unaired footage of Carrie Fisher to help them finish the saga. I had these 5 ideas that they seemingly ignored.
#1 Leia wears a helmet
Think about it. Her father wore a helmet. Her brother Luke cosplayed in the Death Star as a stormtrooper. Her son wears a helmet. So it would not be out of the family way if she slapped one on. I think her head container would just look like the vintage action figure – think large mardi gras papier-mâché type. Her voice could be all distorted and echoey too so an easy win win for ILM. And if they wanted to they could all wear helmets. So there!
#2 Have Leia digging in the Rebellion fridge getting snacks for everyone
So they film it where her body is shown tilted into the fridge and the open door is concealing her head and no one is the wiser. Her voice can be a bit muffled no doubt because of the fridge door blocking her. I have seen this work in sitcoms and movies if someone had a penis drawn on their face and were uneasy about it. Or if half their mustache was shaved off and it looked weird. Or if a man was dressing like an old lady in order to keep an eye on his neglected kids and his wig and/or fake boob fell off. Fool proof and a nice modest ending for her. Such a waste of an idea.
#3 C-3PO Cock Block
Use Threepio like you never have before. Have him always in front of her. Continually interrupting. It would be full hardcore C-3PO. As she speaks he comes bumbling over taking attention away from her. It’s pretty simple Lucasfilm geniuses. You can have this one for free.
#4 She is always on the phone (comlink)
Imagine multiple scenes where Poe has some incredible news that will help turn the battle against the First Order and he needs to talk to General Leia right away. He’s all sweaty and determined and just needs to share this vital info. They have her real life daughter Billie Lourd (a nice touch) tell Poe that Leia is on the phone and that he should leave a message because she doesn’t know how long she’s gonna be on. Eloquently alluding to the fact that she is just as frustrated as he is. And after awhile he just can’t take it and leaves. So in effect limiting her onscreen time yet giving us that relatable satisfying slice of life in a galaxy far far away that we have yearned for. Wonderful!
#5 It’s just her arm moving through a door way with Charlie Brown adult voice sound
This would work so well. It would just be “her” arm gesticulating through a doorway of a room or ship! And to make it super real there could be wardrobe changes for her sleeves just to let you know she is still into changing clothes per situation. And since they would use the famous Charlie Brown adult voice, finally merging the Star Wars and the Peanuts universes mind you, you could have someone in the back say “what did she say?” And then maybe have Lando tell them. Topnotch solution.
So yay about 9 months to Episode 9! So you got a movie per month to watch.
And remember if you are at Star War Celebration, Cosplay does not mean consent. I’m talking to you Handsey Kenobi.