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Introducing “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ by Monte Cristo

Cons, we get it. Life in the Slammer ain’t fun. The food is unpalatable, you get no privacy relieving yourself, and the hard water showers are murder on sensitive skin. Worst of all? Big House pillows are flat, uncomfortable, and well, white, as white girls’ backsides.

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Other brands’ prison pillows are hard as cutting boards.

Those days are over! Put your face between the bars right now and yell to your Warden to stock this Hoosegow with new “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ from Monte Cristo – the driest, comfortingest things your face will ever be near again!

9 out of 10 prison sleep experts agree that convicts need a solid, uninterrupted 4-5 hours of sleep every night to ultimately reintegrate as functioning, contributing members of society; or at least to walk in the line out to the yard, throw a basketball two or three times and then get the fuck back in here and clean these fucking toilets.

Research has shown that something as simple as dry pillows with decorative prints on them can improve the quality and duration of a convict’s sleep from a semi-conscious three hours of sobbing to a fitful four hours of intermittent mutterings of “no—no—no.” But why stop there, Research?

The sleep innovators at Monte Cristo have taken prison pillow science to the next level. New “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ feature the newest in dry pillow technology – instead of that synthetic polyfil “down alternative” that one could essentially use to block rising floodwaters in New Orleans, our “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ are stuffed with 100% Silica Gel Desiccant Packs – the most effect means to wick away tears and provide convicts with the driest sleep experience possible. No more weeping yourself to sleep, only to dream that you’re being waterboarded all over again! Jeez! “‘Liberty Sleep’ Take Me Away, ” we say.

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Item #MC601 – Cigarettes

Next, our “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ are printed with 25% more decorative cigarette or rectum patterns than the standard prison pillow, contributing to vital psychological well-being and benefiting a convict’s sleep by up to, yes, 25% of course. What do you say to that, Research? “Boo yah, ‘Liberty Sleep!’” we say.

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Item #MC602 – Rectums

The science is undeniable – “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ upgrade a tired, weary convict’s sleep from those sorry four hours of intermittent mutterings of “no—no—no” to five blissful hours of dreaming you are running in a field with some grass, maybe a tree. There are some women, I think those are women, off on the horizon, and no trace of urine smell on the wind. Over by that abandoned swing set in the tall weeds there’s a car, but that’s not important, don’t go over there. Eh, no that’s not $2,500 worth of stolen office and stereo equipment in the backseat, ha, heh, how about this grass? Isn’t it a welcome sight? Come on man, don’t go in the glove box, aw shit.  – Listen, you really want to do this? Another 2-3 year bid for grand larceny? What the fuck Goose? Thought you was going straight after this, man? Yo – don’t point that fuckin thing at me yo! Shit why can’t I run right? BLAOW BLAOW NO!!! what the FUCK MAN!!!

Ah, 5 am. – fresh, rested, and ready for a brand new day! You feel like a few thousand bucks!! Scratch another mark into the wall, get off that mattress (don’t wake Chicky on the bottom bunk), and maybe start earning that accounting or creative writing degree today! Ya’ know what, this place ain’t so bad after all! Thank you “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ by Monte Cristo! You made my sentence!

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NEW!! Item #603 – The Shank

 

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NEW!! Item #MC604 – The Deluxe

Monte Cristo – America’s #1 Manufacturer of Correctional Institution Supplies (and #4 Manufacturer of Training Potties)!

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Bernard Carson

(Former) Chief Tech, Business and Spirituality Editor for Blood Lust Digest.
(Former) Head of the Sandwhich Station at the Black Dung Township Angelo’s Italian Restaurant.
Answerer of the 5th Unknown Question.
Founder and 13th Level Grand Maxiform Valuator of Omnichon Superionics, which is not a cult. IT’S NOT A CULT

3 Comments

  1. Matthew Langland
    September 20, 2016 @ 3:35 pm

    Thank you Mr. Carson and all your colleagues for this witty publication and for the use we’ve all been able to put it to. Do you know my brother Dunkin I think he lives in your building he owes me 19 dollar

    Reply

    • Bernard Carson
      September 20, 2016 @ 4:12 pm

      Dear Mr. Langland, thank you very much for your insightful comment.The world is a vampire, sent to drain. Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames.And what do I get, for my pain? Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game. Realize I don’t want to be a miser. Confide with sly you’ll be the wiser. Young blood is the lovin’ upriser. How come everybody want to keep it like the Kaiser? And I thought what I felt was simple. And I thought that I don’t belong. And now that I am leaving, now I know that I did something wrong ’cause I missed you. Yeah I missed you.

      Now I’m naked, nothing but an animal. But can you fake it, for just one more show? And what do you want? I want to change And what have you got? When you feel the same? I’m a low brow but I rock a little know how. No time for the piggies or the hoosegow. Get smart get down with the pow wow. Never been a better time than right now. So I, I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up and this woman was singing my song. Lovers in love and the other’s run away. Lover is crying ’cause the other won’t stay.

      Tell me I’m the only one, tell me there’s no other one. Jesus was an only son. I don’t understand if you really care. I’m only hearing negative, no no no, bad. 🙁 Bob Marley poet and a prophet. Bob Marley taught me how to off it. Bob Marley walkin’ like he talk it. Goodness me can’t you see I’m gonna cough it.

      And some of us hover when we weep for the other who was dying since the day they were born, well. Well, this is not that I think that I’m throwing but I’m thrown. My mom I love her ’cause she love me. Long gone are the times when she scrub me. Feelin’ good my brother gonna hug me. Drink my juice young love chug-a-lug me.

      You said, “you caught me cause you want me and one day I’ll let you go.” You try to give away a keeper or keep me ’cause you know you’re just so scared to lose. Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved. You do a little dance and then you drink a little water.

      Reply

  2. Matthew Langland
    September 20, 2016 @ 4:15 pm

    ok sure I am thirsty today

    Reply

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