Introducing “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ by Monte Cristo
Cons, we get it. Life in the Slammer ain’t fun. The food is unpalatable, you get no privacy relieving yourself, and the hard water showers are murder on sensitive skin. Worst of all? Big House pillows are flat, uncomfortable, and well, white, as white girls’ backsides.
Those days are over! Put your face between the bars right now and yell to your Warden to stock this Hoosegow with new “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ from Monte Cristo – the driest, comfortingest things your face will ever be near again!
9 out of 10 prison sleep experts agree that convicts need a solid, uninterrupted 4-5 hours of sleep every night to ultimately reintegrate as functioning, contributing members of society; or at least to walk in the line out to the yard, throw a basketball two or three times and then get the fuck back in here and clean these fucking toilets.
Research has shown that something as simple as dry pillows with decorative prints on them can improve the quality and duration of a convict’s sleep from a semi-conscious three hours of sobbing to a fitful four hours of intermittent mutterings of “no—no—no.” But why stop there, Research?
The sleep innovators at Monte Cristo have taken prison pillow science to the next level. New “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ feature the newest in dry pillow technology – instead of that synthetic polyfil “down alternative” that one could essentially use to block rising floodwaters in New Orleans, our “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ are stuffed with 100% Silica Gel Desiccant Packs – the most effect means to wick away tears and provide convicts with the driest sleep experience possible. No more weeping yourself to sleep, only to dream that you’re being waterboarded all over again! Jeez! “‘Liberty Sleep’ Take Me Away, ” we say.
Next, our “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ are printed with 25% more decorative cigarette or rectum patterns than the standard prison pillow, contributing to vital psychological well-being and benefiting a convict’s sleep by up to, yes, 25% of course. What do you say to that, Research? “Boo yah, ‘Liberty Sleep!’” we say.
The science is undeniable – “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ upgrade a tired, weary convict’s sleep from those sorry four hours of intermittent mutterings of “no—no—no” to five blissful hours of dreaming you are running in a field with some grass, maybe a tree. There are some women, I think those are women, off on the horizon, and no trace of urine smell on the wind. Over by that abandoned swing set in the tall weeds there’s a car, but that’s not important, don’t go over there. Eh, no that’s not $2,500 worth of stolen office and stereo equipment in the backseat, ha, heh, how about this grass? Isn’t it a welcome sight? Come on man, don’t go in the glove box, aw shit. – Listen, you really want to do this? Another 2-3 year bid for grand larceny? What the fuck Goose? Thought you was going straight after this, man? Yo – don’t point that fuckin thing at me yo! Shit why can’t I run right? BLAOW BLAOW NO!!! what the FUCK MAN!!!
Ah, 5 am. – fresh, rested, and ready for a brand new day! You feel like a few thousand bucks!! Scratch another mark into the wall, get off that mattress (don’t wake Chicky on the bottom bunk), and maybe start earning that accounting or creative writing degree today! Ya’ know what, this place ain’t so bad after all! Thank you “Liberty Sleep” Penitentiary Pillows™ by Monte Cristo! You made my sentence!
Monte Cristo – America’s #1 Manufacturer of Correctional Institution Supplies (and #4 Manufacturer of Training Potties)!