I do hope you all realize that I am not only an exceedingly busy man but also an extraordinarily fastidious one as well. If it takes me six hours to properly tie a Half Windsor knot then I will most certainly damn well take the time, your second daughter’s second wedding be damned. As I am an adult who earlier in life, wisely or not so, took on numerous adult responsibilities, I am often nowadays beset with necessary but gruelingly tedious tasks and my innate need to complete them with absolute unquestionable perfection makes them even tediouser sometimes. All of this is to say that some weeks I may not have a new post to freshen these husky, musty pages. As it stands my current rate of production is about 80 hours per Hard Cheap Knock post. So be it, I’m sure most of you readers have plenty other sites to visit, of varying levels of quality if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Where was I? Oh yes, this. Posted herein with little hope that the average reader will experience anything beyond mild irritation I present two recently rediscovered inked pages of the old Hard Print Knock mainstay Stumps Mc Graw. That lovable everyboy with the handicap blah blah blah, discovered last night in my attic while searching by lantern for the source of what I’ve told the housekeeper countless times could be nothing other than mice. (I know a modicum of Spanish, Consuela, enough to know that el Diablo is not the word for mouse.)
I wish I could offer as an excuse for the overall unmitigated shittiness of these artifacts that they were produced during a period when I was plagued with some addiction or two but to be entirely frank with you, I just didn’t give a god damn fuck whatsoever about life. The Stumpses were my way of showing it. Fortunately for everyone I have since discovered a protege, the cartoonist prodigy Dunkin Weltfellow who lives in my building and whose work you no doubt have been poring over and maybe even getting ‘tattooed’ onto the inside of your forearms since his debut here at Hard Cheap Knock. He took over my comics responsibilities for this esteemed institution so that I could pursue more, ah, esoteric endeavors details about which I may or may not have time to reveal within these husky, musty pages.
Because these comics are illegible, below each is a transcript. Thank you and have a decent week.
Stumps Mc Graw #6 (c. 2003?)
(Editor’s Note: This installment follows the events of SMcG #5, wherein I think it was believed Stumps succumbed to something fatal. Needless to say SMcG #5 is still “lost” and if we are lucky, will remain so until the Arrival of the 12 Gram- and Grampaternal Lazer Giants and their subsequent Restructuring of Current Monetareality).
A Wretched Roll-Call Indeed
Recently in Stumps Mc Graw…
My Man Rich Believes Stumps to be Dead:
“Sniff! Even though I hated him and not because of his stump but because of his ugly personality I know that he doesn’t deserve to die.”
So does Maralin Manson:
“He deserved the same opportunity in life that non-retarded people have.”
So does Headless Komanzcki:
“We never really got along but I understand his perspective.”
So does Pussy Juice:
“I always felt he would be special and now he really is.”
So does Stang:
“Wah too bad!”
So does Fletch:
“At least I wish I was!”
Stumps Mc Graw #7 (c. 2003?)
MY MAN RICH:
“Ungh ungh gang come on up to my dad’s attic & look at Playboys!!!!!!!!!
All were gonna see all afternoon is female anatomy and titties!!!!!!!!!!”
“Wow guys that’s right up my alley if you catch a drift!!”
Close up of Stump
“Ahem beggin your pardon Stumps Shitface but the prupose of this “soiree” is to jerk it off!!!”
MY MAN RICH:
“N everybody can see you’re in no posish to do that!
Just go to the insane asylum and watch the male nurses change your mom’s diapers if you wanna see any poontang, Stumparino!!”
“It’s a retirement home.”
“Well you’ve successfully eliminated my boner, the both of you, with all this talk.”
“Not me though!”