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HCK Movie (pre) Digestion: Baby Driver

Ok. I want to warn you upfront that I’m very angry and disappointed. Can’t tell which more honestly. Well here is how it all began. So there is a movie coming out on June 28 called Baby Driver. My heart soared when I first heard the title. I mean babies doing anything is awesome. Whether they are in a makeshift bowl of lettuce or if playing a saxophone to a bunch of well fed cattle. And just picturing the smallest size of a yoot driving around town & smashing old people is awesome!!!! Gawd I was totally envisioning this little 11 month old on a stack of books just hauling ass on the interstate whilst rockin’ an oversized fedora.

…whilst rockin’ an oversized fedora.

And his car would have a window sign that said “baby not bored” with a winking baby graphic. Or even better seeing the baby go through a drive-thru and ordering a steak or something a baby eats and then the window cashier is all like what? I would put good money down that the cashier would be played by Jeremy “potato face” Renner. Which would be a nice choice so he stops getting typecast as arrow man. I imagined a stellar soundtrack with a new hit number by Randy Newman. It would be something like, “You got a ride with me. I’m just a cute little baby. You know I gotta pee”. You know something solid and catchy. At first I didn’t know if it was a clever UBER / LYFT sponsored film. But shit. Hire them! Put any little baby behind a wheel of a SUV or some sweet sports car – i.e. Honda De Sol and you would have an equivalent of gold. They can take me to the airport anyday and expect a great conversation & a nice tip from me too!

My mind was racing if they would use CGI babies or go old school and use stop motion taxidermied babies. Would they get Bruce Willis out of retirement for the voice? Or maybe would it be subtitled because 99% baby speak is incoherent. They are such great little fools don’t ya know!

I was so on cloud nine I tell ya. Then the worst day of my life happened. I saw the trailer. Shoot me now I bellowed! Turns out this awesome infant that tools around town in what I can only imagine to be a tricked out PT Cruiser is not a succulent little baby at all. It is some guy named “Baby”. What the blessed buttshit is that? False advertising up in here. Jesack. I was crushed. And dig this. This guy named “Baby” is the only one driving babies around. They never touch the wheel:( Hence he is known as the Baby Driver. Kinda like a baby chauffeur if you will. Which I will kinda admit is an interesting premise. He has this pink and blue stretch limo with about 20 of these carseats in the back filled with babies of all races. And the babies are just fucking crying and he is miserable. But he knows he has to do this job because he is being blackmailed by the KGB and the IRS. 

…blackmailed by the KGB and the IRS.

In the subplot if he wants to see his elderly cousins again he must drive these doggone babies anywhere they want. Even to the zoo during high peak travel times. While the whole time he is listening to Rosetta Stone tapes on how to learn spanish in order to save his older sister, played by Shelly Long, who has been kidnapped by the German government in Puerto Rico. Oh man. I don’t know. Maybe if you wanna catch the first 20 minutes and then decide it’s your call. It does have Kevin Spacey as the same character from K-PAX after all. BUT if you expect to see small, little, wondrous chunks of outrageous life careening into garbage cans and such you will be outta luck pal. Damn. If only it were babies driving the whole ding dong day. That. That would be magic.


The reviews of Flippycrap do not reflect those of the HardCheapKnock Staff. If in the film or life had babies driving all the ding dong day as he wished, then there would be a high fatality rate among everyone.  To be clear, babies are just not able to drive in any universe or weather condition or movie. Even if they somehow managed to get a license. – HCK Staff


 

Flippycrap™®

“Last night i felt whale arms around me.” – The Smiths

One Comment

  1. Hard Cheap Knock
    June 10, 2017 @ 10:16 pm

    #babydriver

    Reply

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