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Hard Cheap Knock’s Asswipe Showdown

In the war for a clean butt, there are as many weapons as stars in the sky. Maybe you’ve tried a few. Maybe you’ve suffered, as we all have, the dreaded “poke-through”, only to give up your search. Perhaps you’ve found that One Asswipe that you think works best. Judd Hirsch would have you believe our printed magazine made TIME the best asswipe for babies. But what about us adults? Hard Cheap Knock asks, and answers, “What IS the best ass wipe?”

We’re not here to tell you how to wipe your butt. We just want you to enjoy the cleanest brown eye you can. To prove we know what we’re talking about, we’re also giving away a one-year supply of the best asswipes available to one lucky winner.

This post contains affiliate links to Amazon.com. If you click one of these links and buy something from Amazon we will get a small percentage of that sale. This is at no additional cost to you. 

Criteria

What makes an asswipe the best? So glad you asked, friend. We put these asswipes to the test based on the following criteria:

  • Flushability – Is it going to clog your pipes? Will it come back to haunt you? Will a wader-wearing local plumbing professional be holding one at the end of a stick, wagging his other gloved finger at you in one month?
  • Size – We know an asswipe can be too small, but can it be too big? Only your asshole knows for sure. Your giant, filthy asshole.
  • Effectiveness – Simply put, does it do the job?
  • Butt hole “friendliness” – Does it leave you feeling clean? Dry? Warm and fuzzy? Slippery? Do you break out in butt hives?

While we’re at it, let’s talk logistics. In our testing, assume the following steps:

  1. The “heavy lifting” of the wiping process is done with regular toilet paper. As the song goes, “Wipe, wipe, wipe, till you see the white”.
  2. One asswipe is used to clean up. Just one. May be folded to allow for multiple wipes.
  3. One more pass with TP to dry everything up.
  4. There is no Step 4. If my derrier is not tidy and fresh after steps 1-3, you fail!

#4 Cottonelle FreshCare Flushable Cleansing Cloths

First up, we have the champion from Big Potty. That’s right, Cottonelle (Kimberly-Clark). You can buy these anywhere. They come in tubs and refill packs.

Flushability

I’ve heard it said that these wipes are not the best in this category. We’ll let this fancy video tell K-C’s side of the story:

But then there are other opinions:

Cottonelle Wipes Say They’re Flushable, But My Plumber Disagrees

Size

These wipes are an acceptable size for wiping. In fact, I’ve found that you can get two, even three passes from each wipe.

Effectiveness

For all intents, the Cottonelle wipes do a good job

Butt Hole “friendliness”

This is where we lose the big points, my ass-wiping pals. I had used these for years. Over time, I developed some serious irritation down there. I’m an old man, and I assumed that my troubles (itching, bleeding, and fishy smell) were caused by hemorrhoids. This of course, led to a vicious cycle of excessive cleaning, more irritation, buying of other products, and tons of discomfort.

It all ended when I switch from Cottonelle and the next contender’s wipes and started using products mared for sensitive skin. I’ve never had this problem since. Stay away!

#4 Scott (tied)

Also owned by Kimberly-Clark, you can assume all of the same issues from these ass-reddening, sewer-clogging monsters.

#3 Kandoo Kids Flushable Wipes, Sensitive

Yeah, that’s right – KIDS wipes. They come in an awesome refillable tub that will look great in any bachelor pad shitter!

Flushability

Nope. At the end of 2016, Kandoo parent company, Nehemiah Manufacturing Company LLC, in partnership with Procter and Gamble, settled a class action lawsuit in CA claiming that these wipes “were not actually ‘sewer and septic safe’ because the wipes were unlikely to dissolve and disperse quickly”.

In fact, if you live there and you bought some, you are entitled to some of that cash.

California Kandoo Flushable Wipes Class Action Settlement

Size

Perfect size for a couple of wipes, even though they are made for tiny derrieres.

Effectiveness

These work great! If not for the flushing issue, these would be in the #2 slot, easily.

Butt Hole “friendliness”

This is where the “kids” part comes in. These are made for sensitive skin and will not cause reactions like the others.

#2 Dude Wipes

Those of us reporting to the Chicago HCK office can find these at our local grocery stores. In fact, they are made in Chicago.

One great feature of Dude Wipes is you can buy them individually wrapped. I haven’t seen that from any other manufacturer that I would let near my delicate brown eye. No more bulk cargo short pockets for you!

Flushability

“Unlike Baby Wipes, We’re Certified to Flush & Disperse Like Toilet Paper”. Sounds like these guys have done their research. They do warn that you should only include one per flush. Which brings us to…

Size

WAY too big. What kind of elephant anus do you think I’m tending to here, guys? I am honestly afraid of dragging the corners of these wipes into the filthy toilet water when I’m “going in” for a pass.

This may be good for using to clean up other parts of your body, but my booty just doesn’t need this much square footage.

Effectiveness

For starters, I find these to be too dry. I also had trouble with the dispenser in ways that I didn’t with other (which may also be from the size). Even though they come with a heavy plastic hinged lid (which should keep them moist), I had to wrestle my first few out.

Butt Hole “friendliness”

I found these to be very pleasant and suffered no skin irritation or discomfort.

#1 Swipes Lovin Wipes, Unscented

This is the winner, folks. Swipes are the ass wipes with a twist! Their slogan is “Freshen Up Down Below”!

“Perfect for use before and after a special encounter and no one will know but you.” That’s right, Swipes are made for lovin’… Or rather AFTER the lovin’. Don’t that that deter you, these asswipes are the bees knees!

How do I wipe my ass? The lovin’ way, of course!

Lovin Wipes come in resealable packs. The “resealability” of these packs can vary.

Flushability

“Dispersible material breaks apart when flushed”, and “both biodegradable and dispersible, making them safe for septic systems, sewers and even your backyard compost pile”. Come on, son. You can’t do better than THAT!

Size

These are the perfect size for a couple of wipes. That is, one fold-and-wipe for #2. For #2.

Effectiveness

I cannot say enough about how great these work at both cleaning my butthole AND tidying up when I’ve been “a bit sloppy”. I can’t think of anything that lands on my skin that I couldn’t clean up with Lovin Wipes.

Butt Hole “friendliness”

Again, I have had no issues with irritation or discomfort. “No harsh chemicals. No soapy residue.” Truth!

One Year of Ass Wipes Giveaway

So there you go. Now that you know what the best wipe for your ass is, what say we give you an entire year’s worth of them?

Hard Cheap Knock is giving away a one-year supply of Swipes Lovin Wipes to one lucky winner! Visit our giveaway page to register.


Unfortunately, those of us in the Chicago office of HCK missed out on the World of Wipes Conference, held locally. We’ve added WOW 2018 to our calendar for next year. We’ll be sure to have an update. We’re also working on our own consumer-focused event called Flush Fest. We’ll keep you posted.

What about you, friends? How do you wipe your butt? Let us know in the comments.

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