And now, a Halloween Public Service Announcement from HCK correspondent, Jonny Assdirt.
There’s all sorts of people in this world. There’s the kind that have inflatable Frankensteins running 24/7 on their front lawns. There’s the kind that buy spooky, cheap, Chinese-made, battery-operated punch bowls that say things like, “I’m full of blood!”. Then there’s ME… Jonny Assdirt here.
The other day I was waltzing through Gundy’s neighborhood for my annual Flaming Bags of Shit Never Get Old Tour when I noticed something. Novelty skeletons are BIG this year. Target must have bought stock in off-white Polyvinyl chloride because every f-ing yard you pass has some form of skeletal figure reminding the neighbors who has more disposable income.
Novelty skeletons are BIG this year
Now you would think this would be right up ol’ Assdirt’s alley, so to speak, and it’s true! More death! More grinning skulls! Don’t fear The Reaper! And for the record, this isn’t some animal rights rant… I mean, I AM a vegetarian, but only because it irritates so many people.
I’m going to say this and then I’m not done ranting about it, but I will say it and then you can stop and think about me saying some more stuff: ANIMAL SKELETONS DON’T HAVE EARS!
If you were of an impressionable mind, say a youngster, and you were to take what you saw seriously in Gundy’s neighborhood (and, presumably, any neighborhood with at least one Target within Range Rover-driving distance), you would be convinced that ears are made of bone. I even see freaking NOSES on some of them!
Luckily, we here at Harder Cheaper Knocked are of the industrious sort. I personally went around Gundy’s neighborhood and fixed all of these anatomically-flawed novelty skeletons. We’re not saying you should vandalize local property, but Dremel makes a cordless tool just for this purpose.*
So, without further a-doo-doo, here are some fine examples of how your local Halloween decorations SHOULD look. Eat it, Gundy’s Neighbors! And I’m not sorry about your shoes.
A Horse is a Corpse, Of Course, A Corpse
Drag the slider right and left to see the before and after versions of these photos. Or don’t. Jonny Assdirt cares not what you do with your unclean digits.
Catnip? More Like (Permanent) Cat NAP!
SRSLY, Who Pays for a Fake Rat Skeleton in Chicago?
I Think Your Master Isn’t Coming Home, Pooches
Holy Bat-Ears, Rich Neighbor!
In conclusion, if you’re not going to go through the trouble of decorating your home with authentic skeletal remains, Jonny Assdirt doesn’t have time for you. You phoned it in, jerk. You scuffed up the back seat of your Audi for nothing!
*Not only do we not endorse this practice, we are actually called “Hard Cheap Knock” and no other name. Moreover, any the views and opinions expressed in any guest post featured on our site are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of Hard Cheap Knock as a whole. The accuracy, completeness and validity of any statements made within this article are not guaranteed. We accept no liability for any errors, omissions or representations.