If there’s a new movie on the horizon, you can’t walk into an adult bookstore without being beat over the head with Star Wars products. Marketing excess didn’t just start with Disney buying the property either. Star Wars has always been a marketing whore. Just look at this:
What’s that? You didn’t know that Pizza Hut’s mascot in the 90s was a midriff-baring young lady? Ugh.
These Star Wars products are so stupid, you’ll think we made them up. Well, to be fair, we may have made some of them up, but you have to figure out which!
“I Love You” and “I Know” Silhouette Star Wars Wine Glasses
Listen, we all had a great big chuckle over the cool-as-a-carbonite-cucumber reply from our favorite scoundrel when we first saw it in ESB. But it’s hardly a model of a successful relationship, let alone a toast-worthy exchange of vows.
Nerds, be warned: This is the first thing she’ll throw at you the next big fight you two have.
This is all I can think of when I see these:
Death Star Herb and Spice Grinder
We all know when Han Solo says he’s running spice for Jabba, we’re talking about drugs, right? Well, it’s time to fire that team of Wookie slaves, spice traders! You can grind that stuff to your desired consistency all by yourself while honoring your favorite symbol of power in the galaxy.
“Hey Director Krennic, how about a little nutmeg on your latte?”
“Oh, it’s beautiful!”
Sarlacc Pit Toilet Decal
$14.99 and 1/10 stars at Home Depot
Perfect for when you want to drop Boba Fett off at the pool, this is a great gift for that man in your life who always seems to miss the bowl. He won’t think it’s nearly as funny when you tell him, “The way our toilet looks, I thought you were blind!”
- “Touch-free toilet bowl application” with included applicator wand which may or may not be shaped like Darth Vader’s lightsaber
- Easier to clean than a real Sarlacc
- Includes Wilhelm Scream or burping sound effect triggered when toilet flushes
- Solid waste guaranteed to be flushed in less than a thousand years
Star Wars Rogue One Death Star Popcorn Maker
Wow, you really have to want to eat popcorn out of half a Death Star to pay fifty bucks for the privilege. I’m just fine with my microwave, thanks, even though I don’t have the plans in my hands just yet.
Not everyone is happy with it, however. According to Dr. X in the reviews, “I went to use it and it was cracked all the way down the side.” To which I’d say, “Are you sure it isn’t fully-operational anyway?”
Darth Vader Lightsaber Pizza Cutter
“Lightsaber noises are activated as pizza is cut.” Seriously?
As soon as I saw this I thought, “Oh you KNOW that’s not going in the dishwasher!” Sure enough, “Hand Wash Preferred”! Nerd, unless you have a real lightsaber or some other high-powered laser, you’re not getting a pizza cutter clean by hand.
“Your father wanted you to have this… when you were old enough.”
“It still has dried cheese on it. Um… thanks?”
Chewbacca 22oz Ceramic Stein with Metal Hinge
If I wanted a delicious treat from the neck hole of my favorite Star Wars character, I’m probably going to reach for my Chewbacca PEZ before this monstrosity.
That alone doesn’t just make it a ridiculous Star Wars product. It’s also uncomfortably glossy looking for everyone’s favorite fuzzball. He’s more like a decapitated Wookie that survived an oil spill than a friendly beverage delivery system.
Plus, that head has got to weigh a ton! The last thing I need is a ceramic Wookie tooth embedded in my face when my thumb strength gives out from too many stein hoists.
Storm Pooper Onesie with Dark Side
I have to admit, this one’s really funny, especially the “Dark Side” label for where the actual Storm Poop comes out. That doesn’t mean it’s not ridiculous.
Okay, I admit it. I wish I thought of it… I mean, maybe I DID think of it! Perhaps it’s not real!
Darth Vader Mints
Can you even imagine what it would take for Darth Vader to put one of these mints in his mouth?
First, he’d have to have to walk all the way down to his meditation chamber. Then that suction cup thing would have to come down and take his helmet off. I don’t even know how that second layer comes off if it even can. Maybe he just drops the mint in the back and shakes his head until it migrates its way to his mouth. I guess the Force would come in handy for that.
Aw hell, he doesn’t even have fingers and I don’t see him picking one of these out of the tin with gloved cyborg hands. Come to think of it, just attempting to open this tin would result in a big Sith cry-baby “Noooooooo….!”
He could probably have something installed in his respirator if fresh breath is important to him.
Han Solo In Carbonite Glass Tempered Cutting Board
$17.99 and 5/5 stars on Amazon
First of all, it only makes sense to create this product if you can do the whole carbonite block. None of this “waist-up” malarky!
Second, if the company that made this had any practical kitchen knowledge, this wouldn’t be a flat cutting board, but actually three-dimensional. That way Han can hold the limes while you cut them. You could also use his saddened frozen face as a knife rest.
Overall, dumb idea for a cutting board. Now maybe if it were a yoga mat…
Sebulba “Always Win” Yoga Mat
$29.50 at Hot Topic
As a fan of Episode 1, when you think about winning, of course, you think, “Sebulba”.
When you want to retreat to a place of inner peace and serenity, there’s only one character in the Star Wars universe that immediately comes to mind. Yes, Sebulba.
Most importantly, when you think of contorting your body into unnatural and somewhat disturbing poses, you think… SEBULBA!
“Sebulba always-a wins!” So can you.
Star Wars Mice Cat Toys
$13.75 and 4.6/5 stars on Amazon
I am a frequent customer as I have three feline companions – Lumpy, Chewie, and Ack-meow-na.
Whenever I walk into your store with my kitty trilogy (on leashes, of course), I am simply inundated with Star Wars products for canines. Not even a bag of MEOWdichlorians in sight. Where is the love for the cats?
The Faceshop Star Wars Hydro-Lifting and Aqua Refreshing Face Mask Set
Ways The Faceshop could have tied these into Star Wars if they were actually trying
- “Use Lukewarm water to rinse off and finish with cold water.”
- Compare your skin to the underside of a Dewback
- Equate the “Aqua Refreshing” effects to a visit to Panna
- Making one that resembles the blast shield Luke wears in ANH
- Um, how about actually making these look like Stormtroopers or Darth Vader?
Star Wars Bath Time Villains Gift Set
I rented Bath Time Villains last week and none of these characters were in it. Plus it had more than two “bath squirters” in it. I feel like I got more for my money.
That said, I feel like you can’t put a price on a body scrubber that is the perfect shade Mandalorian green.
Did you figure out which ones were not real? Pretty tough, right?
We’re not going to tell you, but there are only two that we made up.
The Sebulba Yoga Mat image is a derivative of “Star Wars @ the Discovery Science Center – Sebulba prototype model” by The Conmunity – Pop Culture Geek, used under CC BY.
Special thanks to Marc Samson for the link to the Pizza Hut video.