Let me ‘splain the vague title of this post. It wasn’t till the tender age of 47 that I could come out and say how fascinated I was by the butts sculpted on the original Kenner Star Wars figure line. Yes I’m talking about the ones from 1977-1985. Some were amazing, some you had to hunt for under a cape (vinyl and cloth) and some were unenthusiastically sad. I have gone ahead without my uncle’s permission and rated just some of the notable plastic fannies. So it might change if he finds out. So keep it quiet. Also I have no formal training in butt ranking or punching for that matter as I went to a state school. Let’s begin.
I’m sure you are thinking they probs did a sweet job on all the female characters in the original Trilogy. And you’d be half wrong. The first Leia’s dumper wasn’t great. You knew where it was. It rounded as it went south but wouldn’t be comfortable sitting for a long time. I give it a 5/10.
Hoth Leia had a partial eclipse of the butt. Her heavy quilted jacket covered about half of it. Pourquoi!?!? 3/10
Bespin Leia. Oh Bespin Leia. You had to make me do some extra work to find your diplomatic tush! Was it good? The answer may surprise you. No. 2/10
Endor Leia. Not too bad but I’ll take my business elsewhere. It’s all yours Wicket. 6/10
Ev-9D9. I’m not sure why you had so much attitude down in Jabba’s dungeon. Your facebook butt status is complicated at best. 2/10
Now Artoo Detoo I can only surmise to have just one lingering anus hole. As I yoot I could put a white marble in it. And I did. Just a big ol asshole tunnel inviting marbles left and right. 1/10
IG-88 has something happening and i don’t know what yet. A very confused 4/10
C-3Pio and Death Star Droid actually both had nice metallic bottoms. No lie. Bonus points because you can see yourself in them. Thank the fanny maker! 7/10
Oh dear Hammerhead. I appreciate the effort but no dice. Kudos for the 1 piece turquoise turtleneck bathing suit though. 5/10
Did the Ugnaught come through with a juicy butt? – UGNO they didnt! 2/10
For some reason I had high hopes for Barada. It wants to be good. But alas no. 4/10
You had me at Ree, Mister Yees. 3/10
Jawa – Small. Cute. Simple. 6/10
Droopy McCool doesn’t disappoint if you never heard his name before. A very droopy 3/10 wah wah.
Now we have the mighty Chewbacca as Jabba said. Must of been referring to his hair for days butt. Only on the list because I might, ahem, relate. #asshairaway 5/10
Same goes for Chief Chirpa. A butt for radio. 5/10
Max Rebo. Um not sure how they pulled off a damp sweaty bottom but they did. I think I used a kleenex to pick him up. 2/10
Nien Nunb! I will say it is a nice blue collar butt. He does his business and doesn’t need a parade or high five if he succeeds. 6/10
Gamorrean Guard. A butt among men and men who look like animals. 7/10 because I don’t make the rules, my uncle does.
Walrus Man looks like he sat in a fish bowl. A very moist 3/10
No country for old butts
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Just about a Ghost Anakin and Emperor Palpatine each had the square butt affliction. Which was really disappointing. I expected more due to their force abilities.
The Emporer! Boring. Booooooring. “It was I who made my fanny square. And BTW your faith in your friends is yours.” What? 3/10
Hey Ben! Lego called and it wants it block back. 1/10
Old Man Anakin. Don’t bend over it makes it worse!!! And it looks like an old McDonald’s playland tree talking to me. 1/10
Vader’s butt on the other hand was quite exceptional. I know it was made before Hayden Christensen was cast some 30 years later but I think it just foreshadowed his youthful rear. The ridges make you want to run your fingers across them and make that fart sound. You know the one. 8/10
You knew Rancor Keeper’s mud maker would be the talk of the dungeon but it’s everything you thought it would be – substantial. 3/10
Twin Pod Car Pilot – nice little separation of the cheeks. Who knew? 5/10
ATAT Walker Driver. Not bad. The vertical strap leads me to and fro. 7/10
Compliments to the outside thong X-Wing Pilot Luke. But you can’t resort to trickery or sleight of butt. 6/10
B-Wing Pilot gave me a run for my money. He and the A-Wing Pilot actually. Simple and to the point hindquarters for them both. 7/10
I had no idea how good Lobot’s just as quiet butt was until I revisited it. It’s got some tightness and the thong lines are working buddy! But I cannot be won over that easily. 7/10
Carbonite Han Solo. A satisfactory workman’s style derriere. Not too flashy but not gonna be the first in the pool either. 6/10
Dengar! Try as he might he couldn’t garner up a hot BHB. (Bounty Hunter Butt) 5/10
Yoda’s seat is interesting. It is so small yet special albeit tiny. Judged him by the size of his butt I did and apologize whole heartedly I do. 7/10
To be honest I was prepared to hand this over to Greedo going into this thing. His was the one in which I remember the most. His crack started at his shoulders. It was smooth. Great lift. A butt you could bring home to your mom and say “Mom, This is Greedo’s butt and I love it and I don’t care if anyone knows!” And it didn’t hurt that it was green if you catch my drift? And I think you do. 9.75/10
BUT lo and behold here comes 2 fannies with a purpose! 4-LOM (futurely Zuckuss) and Tie Fighter Pilot. Mercy me! They are butts I’ll never be. They’re butts I’ll never have. Just like Depeche Mode said, “I just cant get enough!” Shit. Even when they didn’t said “I wanna show you the world in my butt”. 10/10 for them both! Congratulations to them all!
Shit. Here comes my uncle…
Vintage SW Figure Butts was sponsored by this sobering Butt Punching PSA.
Listen. At least 5 in 8 people you know or may start to know within weeks will definitely get their butts punched within 38 months. This isn’t a game. Just stop before you are about to punch that butt. Think about that butt. Think about your butt. Just think. And lower your fist before it is too late.