48 DAYS to SW EP8 – Oliver Ford Davies “Fundamentally disagrees with every choice” for Sio Bibble in The Last Jedi.

More sequels, more problems.

This past May’s Vanity Fair cover story on Star Wars: The Last Jedi stirred immense anticipation in the hearts of Star Wars fandom worldwide. But not everyone involved in this iconic film franchise is quite so pleased. Esteemed English actor and writer Oliver Ford Davies, who portrayed the tough-as-nails, incorruptible Sio Bibble in Episodes I-III, says he “fundamentally disagrees” with the way The Last Jedi writer/director Rian Johnson envisions Sio Bibble in the new film.

As I’m sure you can imagine, we here in the editorial, design, and custodial departments of HCK reacted like this: with open hands slowly moving outward from our heads and making that mouth sound of an explosion, with wide surprised looking eyes.

One of our indefatigable interns, the painfully gaunt lad with big bottle cap-sized earrings, was able to get Mr. Davies on the phone for a comment:

“I say, at one point I simply had to say to Rian’s voicemail, ‘I say Rian, I pretty much fundamentally disagree with every choice you’ve made for this character.'” said Davies, after hearing Johnson’s script for The Last Jedi. “‘I mean, Sio has virtually zero lines or even, well, appearances, in this film!'”

“I wasn’t even mailed a script. I had to ask Tony [Daniels] to read the thing to me over the phone (in a regular person voice thank you very much). Anyhow now, It seems to me Bibble should be quite frustrated with government procedures, the way things are at this point in the story, don’t you reckon? And wouldn’t he need to shuffle in a very put-upon manner down some stairs?  Surely, there must be negotiations with the First Order that fail because someone, I don’t know, say that handsome Prince Leia, loses all communications? I say, I watched nearly half of The Force Awakens and that picture is just riddled with negotiations failing to take place due to lost communications don’t you know!”

I say, I watched nearly half of The Force Awakens and that picture is just riddled with negotiations failing to take place due to lost communications!”

Artist Concept, commissioned by Mr. Davies. I’m like, these are For Real O.G.s! Warm it up, Bib!

Our intern nods, vaping with sincere-seeming interest, booking a kidnapping on Silk Road while checking his Snapchat. Mr. Davies continues:

“Painfully, no one at Lucasfilm, nor Disney, nor even Payless Shoe Source for that matter, will return my calls. I am of course very distraught over this film’s shameless box office pandering. Millennials and their ticket buying parents have no interest whatsoever in negotiations, much less losing all communications, and Rian Johnson clearly knows that, more than the rest of us. Just look at his latest trailer! He’s gone and put Pokémons in this film!”

Our intern offers Mr. Davies a tissue:

“I even drove by Skywalker Ranch one night don’t you know – I was in the area you see – to maybe check if George [Lucas] was home, to you know, chat a little. And despite all the lights being on, no one answered the door. What a waste, because I’d payed 100 USD each for two methamphetamine addicts to aim laser pointers through the living room windows, just in case I needed to, well, you know, be dramatically persuasive you know, ha ha. heh.”

When asked if Mr. Davies will be lining up at the theatre on December 15 to see the premier of The Last Jedi, he had only this to say:

“I say, I will not. Instead I plan to stay home and protest by watching my Criterion Collection DVD of Fellowship of the Ring. It seems to me I must be in that picture somewhere, next to a fireplace or something. And the Wizard of Oz. Surely I’m in some crucial Emerald City scene, if I recall, with a grand stately hat on.  With my old Shakespeare chum Meinhardt Raabe, the two of us young blokes just hamming it up don’t you know! Quite!”

Meinhardt Raabe (left) in 1995, pictured here with some unknown degenerate. Rock that pimp hat Meinie! Photo: Gundy

The Last Jedi opens in 48 Days on December 15! Quit your job now!!! They won’t notice you’ve gone anyway!



Bernard Carson

(Former) Chief Tech, Business and Spirituality Editor for Blood Lust Digest. (Former) Head of the Sandwhich Station at the Black Dung Township Angelo's Italian Restaurant. Answerer of the 5th Unknown Question. Founder and 13th Level Grand Maxiform Valuator of Omnichon Superionics, which is not a cult. IT'S NOT A CULT

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