OK. What the hell is wrong is with everybody? The latest Last Jedi trailer has been out for about 24 days now and still no one wants to admit to what they saw. For reals? Fine. I’ll hold your hand and tell you then. About 1:15 minutes into the trailer, they pan to Leia on the rebel cruiser in some force thought with her silly “i’m not touching you” son. But what no one wants to talk about is what I’m about to tell you. Kinda like how nobody talks about a man they saw without a nose outside of an Aldi. #ithappenedtomeindekalbin1993
Anyways can we move on? Did you see anything special about the man walking on the left side in the background? Yeah he’s white who cares. Probably straight too – thanks Disney. No man bun? You betcha. Wearing a brown blazer? Yes I like it but cannot pull off that style myself. So let’s get this started with a question. His walk. Look familiar? Is he walking in a typical judeo-christian, humanoid manner? You know shoulders back, hands & arms somewhat near the sides as we were taught in middle college? Well no. Not at all. He’s totally disregarding everything that constitutes being a human. You really don’t know, do you? Oh for the love of syrup in beards. He is totally walking like a Sasquatch! You know Sas to the quatch? Bigfoot? Yetti come lately? Shit. Go to the next paragraph.
Everyone and their wet-nurse have seen that 1967 classic video in which Bigfoot is filmed walking in the woods? Right? It was one of the first documented sightings of Bigfoot. Sorry. Where are my manners? I should say “Beast with Sizable Underpinning” for the PC police. So there I said it for you. You now know what you knew but were too whiny to admit. I’m gonna call you Luke now. It’s not hard, Luke. Why are you so naive to not say anything about it? Don’t want to be trendy? Worried about being too dope as they say? Well I’m sick of it. HE’S WALKING LIKE A SASQUATCH EVERYONE! I’m proud to say it. Lookie here. LOOK! Front digital paper news here. Oh everyone is harping that the Porg looks like a seal chicken. You know a seacken or chiceal. I have not decided which is worse yet. And everybody is saying that Jar Jar was just a figment and/or pigment Qui Gon Jin’s imagination ala Fight Club. Oh and Kylo’s scar thing freaks me out. And why is that? Nevermind I don’t care.
Ok Luke. Just look at this. It is seriously nuts. Nobody should be walking like that without just cause. And no. Chewbacca doesn’t look like Sasquatch. Don’t even bring that up all of you control alt shift keys out there. But there’s no denying it. It’s there for everyone to see. The director knew what he was doing dammit and by golly he did it up right. Think I’m joking? Well hang up your internet then. Go on to your fancy yorkshire pudding huts like the other 38% and be content as a raindrop. As my good friend Sam Jackson says, hold on to your fannies and you will see what you know be true.
There. It’s so Sasquatchion that it should be illegal in many states. I have done what I can Luke. I have given you a voice on this. I have broken the “I see someone walking like Sasquatch” barrier. Frankly this all brings me back to what a young, fresh faced Anakin Skywalker once mumbled to his dear mother Shmi over porridge on Mos Espa. He said “Mom, you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other.” A little on the nose right? Considered yourself helped, Luke.
And do not forget to enter the Last Jedi Second Viewing giveaway below! You’d be more annoying than Jar Jar if you didn’t take a chance to win a $100 Fandango gift card. You will >jedi mind trick < go enter this contest.